Our little family took our first big vacation together this past month. We journeyed from our home in Utah to the Boise airport and from there flew to Seattle and on to Hawaii. Kyle’s parents took us and Kyle’s sisters on the trip and made all the arrangements in our behalf, which made it a very easy vacation indeed.
I was very nervous for the flight, since I had no idea what to expect from my 10-month-old, but as my mother-in-law remarked, “He lived up to his middle name,” which has the meaning “golden”.
He slept almost the whole way, and when we were in between flights, we set up a luggage barricade and he played in the middle.
When we arrived I stepped out of the plane doors and found myself staring out at a lunar eclipse! It certainly felt epic to have my first glimpse of Hawaii in the erie moonlight of such a rare phenomenon.
We stayed in a condo near the beach, which was absolutely lovely.
And our stay was certainly packed full of adventures! We went to several farmers markets where we found souvenirs and a fruit that looked amazing but actually tasted like hairspray.
We hiked around waterfalls,
through jungles,
and through a lava tube near an active volcano. We went snorkeling, met some sea turtles,
And tried to convince William that the ocean isn’t altogether a bad thing.
We explored an ancient Hawaiian place of refuge.
And we definitely played on some beautiful beaches.
We also explored the southernmost point of the United States, which turned out to be a scary, rotting old platform hanging over a cliff.
In an attempt to salvage the afternoon we thought we’d check out a nearby, green-sand beach. However, the beach was even more ghetto than the cliff! We only made it to the parking lot infested with chickens before we turned back. On our way out we found a graffitied wall that read “Tell my people I tried.” It seemed like an appropriate subtitle for the experience.
It was a trip full of beautiful vistas, exploration, and more than one adventure. All the ingredients for spectacular memories.
Some of you may have seen this article circulating on Facebook: 10 ways to show love to someone with depression. I opened the link, looking for some good ideas to help me be more compassionate. I’ve never struggled with depression out of the ordinary way, but I know others who have. What surprised me is how many of the suggestions on the list echoed my own needs as a mom.
Don’t get me wrong, motherhood isn’t depression. Rather, I was surprised to discover that many items on the list have recently become hard for me, as a new mom. So I thought to myself, “If I feel this way, I’m sure other moms out there can relate.
1. Keep the clutter at bay:
Kyle and William “helping” with the laundry :]
Before my baby was born this wasn’t such a big deal. I took most of the responsibility for keeping our house clean and if things got messy for a few days I escaped to my office, regained my sanity, and found time to organize when I could. Now I’m working at home and taking care of my son. I can’t always get things done when he’s awake and I usually need to work when he’s asleep. If things get messy, I get depressed. I am swallowed up in it and distracted by it until it is taken care of. There have been occasions when my house finally gets cleaned and I literally feel a weight lifted off of my shoulders.
Mother’s Day Idea: Pitch in and clean some things you don’t normally clean. There is ALWAYS something that can be made brighter.
2. Fix a healthy meal:
Bread that Kyle made me two years ago (see, I still have the picture. Stuff like this can mean so much.)
My baby is at his worst in the early evening. Since I am typically the cook of our family, this makes dinner difficult. My husband comes home from work hungry, but the baby needs to be bounced, and I can’t hold him and slice vegetables at the same time. I often succumb to the temptation of cooking whatever is fastest and easiest, which usually isn’t the healthiest… On top of this, I’m home all day. If I get hungry I eat, and once again, it’s the fastest and easiest foods that usually make the cut.
Mother’s Day Idea: Make Mom some healthy freezer meals. The most unromantic gift on earth that might just make her swoon.
3. Get out!
A selfie in the Jungle
As a stay-at-home mom with a work-from-home job I spend A LOT of time at home. I can’t tell you what a simple run to the grocery store means some days.
Mother’s Day Idea: Give Mom a day off. Tell her that she can pick whatever she’d like to do and you’ll make arrangements for things to be cared for while she’s gone. Or, the less intense version: next time your at a social event, you take care of the kids so that she can have a little adult interaction.
4. Encourage personal hygiene.
We’ve all laughed at those crazy ladies in their mom jeans. I know before the birth of my son I would hear women say, “I just can’t seem to find time to do my hair anymore,” and roll my eyes inwardly a little bit. Then I had a baby and stopped doing my hair. Seriously, my baby is 10 months old and I just got my first hair cut since his birth yesterday morning. The fact is, this problem with mom’s failing to take care of themselves is no laughing matter. There is a difference between feeling loved and feeling lovable, and both are important. When a woman feels ugly all the time, she can mistake others love for her as a sign of their unattainable perfection instead of a strength both of them enjoy and rely on.
Mother’s Day gift idea: Give the special lady in your life something nice for her to use in her daily hygiene routine. A Mary Kay gift certificate, some high quality shampoo, a day at the spa, a manicure or pedicure, or even just a little protected time to get ready for the day, all give her something in her appearance to smile about.
5. Help her make something pretty
Upscaled Upholstery by Kyle and I
Motherhood has some fantastic rewards, however, most of those rewards are very long-term. A mom who’s energy is completely focused on her family can go a long time without feeling the joy of accomplishment, or the pride of a job well done. Encouraging craft time, scrap booking, blogging, photography, or some other creative hobby can help round her out.
Mother’s Day idea: buy something that supports her hobbies. All moms have them.
So, there you go. A couple easy ways to give the Mom in your life a little of the support she needs. Happy Mother’s day, and good luck on all your gift-giving ventures!
I had a new adventure this Thanksgiving holiday. I went with my in-laws to cut down our families’ Christmas trees. I hadn’t ever been Christmas tree hunting, and I was eager for the experience. Continue reading “Oh Christmas Tree!”
One day my mission president, Michael Hoer, asked his wife, “Why is it that difficult trials happen to everybody else and not us?” Sister Hoer didn’t think that was quite true. She responded by listing a few trials she felt they had faced, proving that they had gone through their fair share of rough patches. President Hoer responded to each point, explaining why it didn’t count as a real trial. Sister Hoer later remarked that President Hoer doesn’t have trials, he just has new adventures.
When I heard Sister Hoer tell this story it struck a cord with me, which is probably why I found myself thinking about it in the NICU. My son William was 4 days old and had trouble breathing for no apparent reason his first three days of life. We had successfully weened him off of oxygen, antibiotics, and IV fluids, and he seemed to be holding his own. We were planning to take him home the next day, and the nurses had set up a series of standard tests to be sure he was ready for the wild world outside the NICU. To my shock, he totally bombed his car seat test, meaning that the poor kid couldn’t keep his oxygen saturation levels up while sitting in a car seat. This wouldn’t keep us from going home, but it did mean we had to bring an oxygen tank and respiration monitor with us.
Kyle and baby William in the NICU.
I was devastated. It might seem silly, since we were still homeward bound, but after days of beeping monitors, holding my baby’s hand while his stomach was pumped, sinuses flushed, lungs vacuumed, and IVs were placed in both hands and feet and eventually the side of his head, after crossing my fingers as they did an ultrasound on his murmuring heart, examined his possibly-clubbed foot, and deliberated about whether or not he really was deaf in his right ear, I had hoped to leave the monitors and breathing tubes behind. I thought we were going to make it scott free, finally driving our baby home like normal parents and I couldn’t help wondering, why my baby?
So there I sat in my rocker next to my baby’s NICU station, trying not to cry in front of my husband, 100 doctors and nurses, and the REALLY tough moms and dads whose babies had been in the NICU for weeks and months with no clear idea when they’d ever get to leave. And then this memory of my mission president flashed into my mind and I realized “This isn’t a trial, it’s an adventure.”
Suddenly, even though nothing had changed, I felt completely different. What’s so great about having the same newborn experience as everybody else, anyway. We didn’t have a baby to keep up with everybody else’s plain old vanilla lifestyle. We had a baby to bring some spicy and adventure into our lives, and if oxygen tanks and monitors were part of the deal, then I’d take it.
Baby William, home for the first time.
It was in that moment that I really decided I needed to start this blog. I’d been thinking about it for a little while as a way to get myself out of my own way. My husband had sparked the idea in me, actually. We were talking about parenting when he observed that all the unpleasant things about parenting are required and the fun stuff is optional. Parents have to deal with the crying, day and night. You can’t escape the poop, the spit, the demanding feeding schedule, and the nagging worry that comes with a baby. But the snuggles, the cheers every time he lifts his own head, the quiet moments singing lullabys… Those are completely optional. And it’s the same with life. Car batteries die, it snows on your spring wedding day, illness, bills, heartache, and loss invade everybody’s peace once in a while. But the beautiful summer sunsets, star-gazing hikes, and spontaneous forays into unknown environments are yours to miss.
I am occasionally so focused on the details of life that I miss the adventures that are there for the taking. So this is my way of fighting back. I want to live in the stream of life and enjoy it, whether rapid or still.
Anyone who knows me well knows I am a worrier. My husband was blessed with a blissful, “it will all work out” attitude, but not me. This is most apparent when it comes to money. I regularly monitor and adjust our budget. Moreover, I consistently think about and plan for our fiscal future.
I pay attention to gas prices at every station we pass.
I lay awake at night working out what we would do if our car suddenly went out of commission, or if we had an unexpected health emergency.
I am the scrooge that has to be convinced every time Kyle wants to start a new hobby or get me a nice Christmas gift.
I live in mortal fear of loans. In fact, it wasn’t until after our engagement that I found out Kyle had previously taken out a student loan. Luckily it was only 4,500 bucks, or it could have been a deal-breaker.
For this reason, marrying a sophomore in college was never very high on my future-husband wish list. College sophomores don’t make a good living and they tend to cost a lot. After all, I was a college graduate with no student loans. Didn’t I deserve someone as fiscally safe as myself?
Allow me to take this moment and sing my husband’s praises. Although he doesn’t have the same fiscal phobia that plagues me, he has always been very sensitive and understanding of my need for financial control. He has also done EVERYTHING in his power to finish his schooling in a timely manner. He took more than 20 credits for three semesters in order to finish his undergrad and masters by the age of 24. Pretty impressive considering that he also served a two-year full-time mission before we got married.
Kyle walking up the aisle during his graduation from BYU-I.
Luckily for Kyle and I, Brigham Young University – Idaho is not an expensive school for undergraduate degrees. We were able to pay for Kyle’s schooling without too much trouble. Paying for a masters degree, however, has been much more challenging.
After paying for Kyle’s first semester we both became a little panicked about saving enough in the next four months to pay for winter semester. We cut out every nonessential from our budget, including karate, date nights, fast food and random hobby investigation. I started taking the train to work and we were careful about setting the thermostat too high. We sold stuff in a yard sale and bought the things we needed secondhand. We drew out a big thermometer to symbolize our savings account and taped it to our fridge, coloring in the amount we’d saved on paydays. And, miracle of miracles, four months later we were able to pay off Kyle’s winter semester in full, without running our savings account aground.
By then we were four months pregnant and staring down the barrel of another tuition payment, due shortly after our first baby. It’s been a little bit of a bumpy road, but we’ve seen plenty of miracles along the way. First of all, our car has continued to survive, despite the fact that it’s leaking oil, coolant, and transmission fluid. Secondly, Kyle landed an awesome paid internship working at the state’s capitol in the Governor’s Office. Thirdly, I carried the baby full-term. Fourthly, we found a great 2-bedroom apartment at an even better price. And finally, Kyle earned a partial scholarship.
Yes, yes, despite all odds, just one year from our first tuition payment and subsequent financial panic, Kyle’s masters degree is officially paid off!
Now if we can save up enough to pay off his student loan before he graduates I’ll really be doing summersaults.
![Kyle and William "helping" with the laundry :]](http://blog.ashleybarney.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/20140511-095314.jpg)
